A few months ago, an old friend from university, a friend I saw every almost every day except during coop (work education) for five years, showed up out of the blue. We’ve lost track and reconnected multiple times over the years. The last time I was in touch with her was in 2016. I hadn’t even realized it had been that long. We no longer have a deep, close friendship, but there is a lot of history and I would gladly meet her again.
Tonight, I got a notification that a friend joined Telegram. I call him a friend, even though I haven’t met him nor been in touch with him in the last two or three years. He’s another friend from university, who patiently taught me math concepts when I struggled and taught me to play pool. He is one of the kindest people I ever met.
There is a third person that I spent a lot of time with during those university years. I do not hear from her. We used to meet in Ottawa every time I visited, but over COVID, neither of us reached out. That friendship feels unfinished.
As I’ve gotten older, I treasure my close friendships more than ever. There is a wistfulness and strings of connection (memory) that bind me to these friends. The binds loosen and tighten depending on the care and attention each of us provides but to me, they always feel present.
How do you know when and how to sever the binds? Is it when it feels uncomfortable, uneven, tense? Do you wait and see if the other person reciprocates, reaches out first sometimes, or prioritizes you as you do them, or do you proactively broach the topic? It’s common for couples to have relationship goals. Maybe that would be useful for friends too.
I’ve been thinking of this topic since this conversation on how to build robust friendships and break up when you need to. Have any old friends or friendships been on your mind? Do you have any strategies for making old friendships last?
Real friendship doesn’t die. People change IMO.